Birds and bees
by TheRandomScribbler
Summary: Much to his dismay, QuiGon realizes the time has come to teach his Padawan about the concept of the birds and the bees...and ObiWan doesn't react terribly well to it. COMPLETED.
1. Default Chapter

**Summary: Qui-Gon tries to explain the concept of the birds and bees to his young apprentice Obi-Wan, since after all he _is_ like a father to him...**

**Genre: Humor**

**Rating: PG-13 since this _is_ about...well...I guess you already know.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, you would have heard of me. And, unless you've read one of my other fics, you haven't. Therefore, I don't own them.**

**Now on with the fic!**

It was a beautiful day at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. Unfortunately, not all was beautiful for Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn.

He was walking nervously around outside, eyeing the gorgeous, lush flowers, the butterflies that flew around...and of course the birds and the bees.

It was all very well and fine, Qui-Gon thought grumpily to himself, but it had recently been Obi-Wan's thirteenth birthday and there were some—well—_things_ that he knew he really ought to explain to the boy, playing the father-role in the boy's life...not that he didn't want to, of course, but it wasn't as though he really _did _want to...

"Well, I mean, it's just not exactly _fun_ explaining to a teenager how you—ah—make babies and things like that," Qui-Gon said aloud. Obi-Wan, he knew, didn't know about Things like this, and it hadn't ever occurred to Qui-Gon before to ask someone why he didn't already, at thirteen. Well, now it had occurred and figured he would have to ask later when this discussion was over.

He wondered if perhaps he ought to ask advice from one of his fellow Masters about how they explained these things to their Padawans, but quite a few of the Masters he was friends with had girls for apprentices, and Qui-Gon could never quite figure out if girls would take it the same way boys would. He rather thought not.

He imagined Adi Gallia's telling her Padawan about it, very calmly, that was just her way. And her apprentice would take it equally well, with a well-placed, "Yes, Master," or an "Of course I understand, Master", or a "No, Master, I think it's fine," even if she was thinking, _of course I don't find this information revolting_, with a very sarcastic thought tone.

He thought about Mace Windu telling his apprentice. Qui-Gon thought that Mace's Padawan would probably react better to the information she was being given than Mace would to her hearing it. Mace Windu was rather protective over what his Padawan heard and saw sometimes, much to her own annoyance.

"Maybe I should ask Master Yoda," he thought aloud. But he knew that if he did that, word would eventually spread that the completely bold and fearless Qui-Gon Jinn was too timid to speak with his own apprentice about becoming a man.

Qui-Gon sighed. It was inevitable. There was simply no way around it. He would have to tell Obi-Wan himself.

Well, better now than later. _Best to get this thing over with now_, he decided. _No point in procrastinating when doom is on your doorstep._

Not that, of course, he considered providing his Padawan with information that he must eventually learn as 'doom', but Qui-Gon wasn't sure what else to classify it as...

He sighed again. There really was no way around it. "Obi-Wan!" he called, lifting his comlink to his lips and speaking into it.

The boy replied promptly. "Yes, Master?"

"Would you mind coming inside the Temple, into our quarters, please? I have some uh...some things to discuss with you."

"Am I in trouble, Master?"

Qui-Gon chuckled softly and nervously. "No, Padawan, you're not. I just need to speak with you."

"Yes, Master," said Obi-Wan, sounding rather doubtful that whatever Qui-Gon had to talk with him about could be anything but trouble. "I'm coming."

He signed off and Qui-Gon sighed again, a brief exhale of despair.

He walked slowly towards the Temple, and managed to make the trip last ten minutes. Once inside, however, he discovered that the walk and ride via turbolift to his and Obi-Wan's quarters went entirely too quickly.

"Perhaps he isn't even there yet," Qui-Gon suggested to himself hopefully. This was, of course, next to impossible since Obi-Wan was quite possibly the least tardy of most of Temple's students, and he was almost always eager to do whatever his Master told him to do.

"Or perhaps the turbolift broke down," he speculated, knowing perfectly well that Obi-Wan would take the same lift he had and it had been in fine condition when he'd used it two minutes ago.

"Maybe..." he opened the door and sighed sadly as his eyes were greeted with Obi-Wan's face. "Or maybe not," he muttered.

"Master," greeted Obi-Wan.

"Hello, Padawan," said Qui-Gon heavily, sitting down on his bed.

Obi-Wan frowned slightly. "Is something wrong, Master?" he asked.

"What? Oh—uh, no, nothing's fine, I mean—everything's wrong—no, no, everything's fine!"

"Are you...feeling all right?" Obi-Wan ventured.

"Fine, fine," Qui-Gon said distractedly. "Well, then, Obi-Wan, um, sit down."

Obi-Wan sat, eyeing the elder somewhat dubiously.

They sat in silence for a minute, Qui-Gon wondering wildly how he was supposed to begin this stupid conversation, Obi-Wan wondering if his master had finally lost it.

Finally, Obi-Wan cleared his throat. "Er—Master?"

Qui-Gon jumped. Obi-Wan was sure he hadn't ever seen Qui-Gon so nervous. Come to think of it, he didn't think he'd seen him half this nervous, _ever_.

"Uh...yes, Padawan?"

"Weren't you going to—um—talk to me or something?"

"Oh. Right. Yes. I—ah—I was."

More silence.

Then, "Well, Master?"

Qui-Gon moaned. The time had come. This really was inevitable. He took several deep, calming breaths, none of which seemed to help in the least. Finally, he spoke. "Well, Obi-Wan, I believe you've just had your thirteenth birthday, haven't you?"

Obi-Wan looked confused. "Yes, Master..."

"So there are some things you must learn since at that age you are no longer considered a child and are now considered more of a young adult," Qui-Gon rushed on, hoping this discussion would end as soon as possible.

"Yes, Master, and...?"

"Obi-Wan, do you know how you got onto this planet?"

Obi-Wan looked still more confused. "Well, I suppose...my mother...or maybe...I don't know, Master," he confessed.

"I was afraid of that," mumbled Qui-Gon. "Well, Obi-Wan, if you've ever watched the bees and the flowers in the gardens outside..."

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An hour later, Qui-Gon wearily said to a wide-eyed, open-mouthed Obi-Wan, "You may go now, Padawan."

Obi-Wan jumped up, mumbled, "Yes, Master," and made for the door faster than a speeding tauntaun.

Qui-Gon heard the sound of a comlink being activated and Obi-Wan saying rapidly into it, "Bant, Bant, has your master told you..."

Qui-Gon buried his face in his hands and groaned. That discussion had not gone the way he had wanted it to go.

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Obi-Wan sprinted as quietly as he could down the halls of the student/master quarters, keen to find someone his own age. He'd just talked to Bant, and in fact she'd just told him off for interrupting her, but he needed to really speak with someone.

He was running so fast he couldn't slow down in time to keep from running into someone a little smaller than him.

However, what Siri lacked in volume she certainly made up for in vocals. "Obi-Wan Kenobi! Just what do you think you're doing, thundering around the Temple like a herd of banthas? What's got you going?"

And Obi-Wan told her.

Pretty soon most of the apprentices whose ears had not been previously graced with the information bestowed upon Obi-Wan had heard what Obi-Wan had, and Qui-Gon was in for a little trouble with the rest of the Masters whose Padawans were only nine or ten...

**End.**

**Well? Hate it? Like it? Tell me in a review!!**


	2. ObiWan POV

**Summary: See previous**

**Disclaimer: Have it your way. I don't own them, and if you sue me…well, you'll probably spend more money doing it than you'll get from me.**

**Genre: Humor.**

**Have as much fun reading as I did writing!**

**Luv,**

**TRS**

_**D**_

It was another lovely day on Coruscant, more specifically, at the Jedi Temple in the Gardens. Obi-Wan Kenobi and his friends Bant and Reeft and Garen had been playing a rather more violent than necessary version of hide and seek involving the found person being, upon discovery of their hiding place, tickled until they could get up and run away to base. Typically only the first person suffered, because once they were found, despite the rules, everyone else decided to quit hiding and join in on the fun of Tickle-Torturing the unfortunate one. This also made it difficult to get back up, as you usually had two people pinning you down and one tickling you madly, plus the fact that you were laughing so hard you could barely breathe, much less fight back, not to mention the fact that you didn't want to kick or punch—even though you often lost any sense you had started with—because this would hurt your friends, and all this combined with the fact that you are thirteen-year-old Obi-Wan Kenobi and smaller and more slender than most humans boys are at your age, you were really in a very helpless position.

"Guys—stop!" Obi-Wan panted, his words punctuated by giggles and uncontrollable laughter, "Please, guys—c'mon, Bant, give me some help here!"

"Sorry, Obi-Wan,' Bant said, mischief sparkling in her eyes. She raised her hands, ready to tickle him into unconsciousness, when suddenly Obi-Wan's comlink beeped. Obi-Wan almost moaned with relief. They would have to leave him be now, it was most likely his Master calling him and of course he couldn't ignore a call from his Master.

His friends slid off him, muttering disappointedly.

"I bet you staged that,' Reeft said suspiciously. Obi-Wan waved him silent as he answered the call.

"Yes, Master?"

He listened for a moment, before, "Am I in trouble, Master?"

Garen and Reeft snickered. Obi-Wan glared at them before turning away to answer Qui-Gon. "Yes, Master. I'll be right there."

He shut off the transmission and turned to his friend. "Sorry, I have to go. Master Qui-Gon wants to talk with me."

"We'll get you next time," said Bant, good-naturedly elbowing him in the ribs. Obi-Wan smiled in reply before taking off down the path that lead to his and Qui-Gon's quarters.

Obi-Wan took the quickest way he could to his and Qui-Gon's quarters. He hated when others were late, hated to be late, and hated to be accused of being late. And of course he wanted to please his Master, and how else should he do this than by being there precisely on time, or, if possible, early? Master always liked him to on time, anyhow.

He arrived a few minutes before Qui-Gon, which pleased him, and sat waiting patiently for his Master on the couch in the common living room from which his and Qui-Gon's separate rooms branched off of. While waiting he found himself wondering idly what could be taking Master Qui-Gon so long. His Master was normally on time, there were two things that could be keeping him, and those were either trouble or procrastination. Of course it was completely ludicrous to think that there was any trouble—this _was _the Temple, filled with Jedi, after all—and Master Qui-Gon always said procrastination lead to indigestion, which Obi-Wan was sure Qui-Gon certainly wouldn't want. Obi-Wan couldn't ever figure out exactly how putting something off lead to a stomachache, but he figured Qui-Gon knew best and better anyway so he should probably just listen. (It had never occurred to him that his Master might be making a joke.)

Of course, maybe Obi-Wan was in trouble and Qui-Gon just didn't want to talk about. However, Obi-Wan hadn't done anything wrong lately, and Qui-Gon had said he wasn't in trouble. And Qui-Gon never really hesitated to yell at Obi-Wan when Obi-Wan needed yelling at.

So after several minutes of debating with himself, he decided he'd just have to ask later.

There—he felt his Master approaching in the Force. He got up, trying not to look as though he'd been waiting there for _ages_, and greeted Qui-Gon. "Hello, Master."

"Hello, Padawan," Qui-Gon said, rather more heavily than was necessary, Obi-Wan thought.

"Is something wrong, Master?" he ventured.

Qui-Gon didn't seem to hear him. "Um, fine, fine, Obi-Wan, um…sit down…I guess…"

Obi-Wan obeyed, eyeing Qui-Gon dubiously. _I think I really must be in trouble this time. Uh-oh. But I didn't do anything._

Resisting the temptation to blurt out, 'I didn't do it!', he instead sat and waited for his Master to speak.

They sat in relatively unbroken silence, Obi-Wan wondering what the Force could be up and thinking maybe—just maybe—Qui-Gon had finally lost it. The silence was shattered by Obi-Wan giving a tiny cough.

Qui-Gon jumped, which made Obi-Wan jump, and Qui-Gon, not even seeming to notice this, said, "What?" very loudly, and Obi-Wan said timidly, "Er—Master?"

Qui-Gon jumped again, and stared at Obi-Wan as if only just realizing he was there.

"Uh...yes, Padawan?"

"Weren't you going to—um—talk to me or something?"

"Oh. Right. Yes. I—ah—I was."

More silence.

Then, "Well, Master?"

Qui-Gon gave a slight moan, which Obi-Wan found more suspicious than anything else, and he took several deep breaths, which Obi-Wan assumed were supposed to be calming, and which he suspected weren't helping, judging by the expression of inevitable doom on Qui-Gon's face.

Finally, he spoke. "Well, Obi-Wan, I believe you've just had your thirteenth birthday, haven't you?"

_Um, yes…? Duh? _"Yes, Master…"

"So there are some things you must learn since at that age you are no longer considered a child and are now considered more of a young adult," Qui-Gon rushed on. Obi-Wan was sure he was sweating, which he dared not to find amusing at this point.

"Yes, Master, and...?"

"Obi-Wan, do you know how you got onto this planet?"

_Excuse me? How I got on--? What the—no. No, calmly. Like a Jedi. As in, I will not scream and yell because I think I know what's coming. Or rather, because I don't know what's coming and am not sure I want to know. _ "Well, I suppose...my mother...or maybe...I don't know, Master," he confessed.

"I was afraid of that," mumbled Qui-Gon. "Well, Obi-Wan, if you've ever watched the bees and the flowers in the gardens outside..."

"Yes?" Obi-Wan prompted curiously.

"Well…you see…the bees are like boys, and the flowers are like girls…I mean, do you know, do you sort of see what I'm saying?"

"You mean boys are stinging pests whom nobody likes and tries to kill on sight and girls are beautiful blossoms who people love and want to have more of them around?" Obi-Wan offered brightly.

Qui-Gon groaned and buried his head in his hands. "No, not exactly," he mumbled. "Well, you see…flowers have…pollen…and…bees…go to the flowers…to…pollinate them…so…they can…create…more flowers…baby flowers…" he trailed off weakly. "Now do you see what I'm saying?" He didn't really want to look at Obi-Wan, apparently, because he was looking anywhere but at him.

"Yes," Obi-Wan nodded eagerly. "You're saying that if I went over to Bant's we could make baby flowers together!"

Qui-Gon's head snapped up. "No!" he said quite suddenly, so suddenly that Obi-Wan was taken aback. "Uh…the bees have to go to, uh, certain kinds of flowers. They can't just, um, make baby flowers with _any_ girl flowers."

"Ah." Obi-Wan nodded knowingly. "So, Siri, then?"

"_NO!" _Qui-Gon said, rather desperately. "Uh—actually, Padawan, just on a passing note, you may _not _make—baby flowers—with, uh—any of your friends. Um. On second thought, it is forbidden. Yes. Forbidden."

"Why?"

"It's very, very wrong to do that with someone you're not married to!" Qui-Gon fairly shrieked.

"But Jedi aren't supposed to get married."

"I KNOW THAT!" Qui-Gon was sure he was about to go into cardiac arrest from all this trauma.

_Oooookay…_ "Yes, Master," Obi-Wan said, slightly confused. He still didn't get this whole baby flowers thing. "But, I'm still confused," he said. "I'm not a bee, Siri isn't a flower. I mean…you know. Anyway, what does that have to do with anything?"

Qui-Gon groaned again and thought to himself, _He's just not getting it. I hope I wasn't this hard to explain things to when I was his age. _A solution occurred to him suddenly. _I know—how about I just don't tell him until** next year?** _It seemed very brilliant for about ten seconds, until he realized that Obi-Wan was bound to hear it from one of his friends before that, and—_kids these days—_he would probably hear some horrible perverted version that would warp his view of sex forever. Even though he wasn't entirely sure that wasn't the kind of view Obi-Wan was going to have by the end of this discussion, anyway.

He realized he was going to have to revert to more literal terms. As in, body parts. As in, Physical Contact of aforementioned Body Parts. As in, Explaining to Obi-Wan Why He Shouldn't Make Baby Flowers With Siri.

Crap.

No, strike that.

B.S.

So he explained, very, very carefully, about Things. And Life.

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

And he wanted to scream by the end of it.

_**D**_

"EXCUSE ME?" Obi-Wan screamed. "In order to reproduce I have to WHAT?"

Qui-Gon cringed. "You heard me, Padawan," he said, more to avoid having to say it again than anything else.

"That's insane! Insane! Impossibly disgustingly insane!" Obi-Wan paced around the room rather frantically, his calm demeanor gone. "That's gross, Master! I will never, never, never—do that—ever!"

"Good thing, too, since you'd probably get thrown out of the Order for it too," Qui-Gon mumbled.

"I—I can't believe it!" Obi-Wan ranted. "Damn those blasted bees—"

"Obi-Wan, please don't use words like that," Qui-Gon said weakly, even though he himself had a few choice words he rather felt like spewing.

"—and flowers! I can't believe anyone actually does that! It's nasty! Horrible. I bet the Sith invented it, didn't they?"

"Well—" Qui-Gon said uncomfortably, suddenly alarmed as this query could lead to an unwanted-to-say-the-very-least discussion about how Sith were never _married_, but they did _do it**…**_

"Well, I'll never do it!" Obi-Wan said determinedly.

"Be nice if you could keep that view your whole life," Qui-Gon mumbled. _More specifically, throughout your teenage years. Ooooh…_

"Can I go?" Obi-Wan said. He was suddenly very alert, poised and antsy. Qui-Gon had a very good idea of where he wanted to go, but at the moment his head was not screwed on properly and he made the dire mistake of giving his permission.

"Go on, Padawan," he muttered to the floor, which didn't care to answer.

Obi-Wan didn't even bother to acknowledge this, simply took off out of the room at full speed.

_**D**_

Obi-Wan tore off down the hall containing the other Master/Padawan quarters.

"Bant," he hissed into his comlink. "Has your master told you—"

"Sorry, Obi-Wan, can't talk," Bant said. "My master wants me to—oh—sorry, coming!" she called to someone else. "I have to go!" she said, sounding harried, and cut the transmission.

Stupid.

Well, no matter, he had other friends.

In Obi-Wan's shock and immense hurry to find one of his friends he ran into someone smaller and shorter than him.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi! What do you think you're doing, storming down the halls like a herd of banthas?"

"Siri," said Obi-Wan breathlessly. "Did your master tell you—I mean—"

"Master Qui-Gon gave you The Talk, didn't he," said Siri matter-of-factly.

Obi-Wan stopped. "Uh—yes," he said, embarrassed. "Did your master—"

"No," said Siri, rather smugly. "I found out myself."

_How can she be so calm about it? Girls!_

"Where?" demanded Obi-Wan.

"In the Archives," Siri told him rather arrogently. "But I didn't get the part about the bees, and the flowers and stuff, but—why are you groaning, Obi-Wan?"

"Even the great Jedi Masters didn't have the courage," Obi-Wan moaned. "You're telling me they didn't even use literal terms?"

"Bees are literal enough." Siri shrugged. "I mean, when they go to the flowers, that's what really happens—"

Obi-Wan moaned louder. And then…

He gave her the Talk About Things Which Were Really Better Left Told By Adults.

Siri screamed.

**The end.**


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